Go eat a rainbow i'm gian and i like to write about whatever i like

i’m back. better than ever. these past couple of months have been the worst for me. i could honestly say i’ve reached my lowest point during these months. felt like my life was crumbling right in front of me and i couldn’t do much about it. lost someone, got hit by a car, career was put on the line due to depression, got into a car accident, became handicap, career was on the line again due to health, injuries and depression, got a hit by a beam and got knocked out, almost deployed to run away, needed to see a physical therapist, needed to see a psychiatrist, and almost got arrested and fuck up my career… yupp sounds like an enjoyable party to me. all of this in a span of a few months. at this point i regretted living. i wanted to just end everything, i wanted to quit. someone told me things will get better though, i didn’t think much of it at first. my mind was so clouded of every single bad thing that ever happened to me. all i thought about was “why the fuck is this happening to me?” “do i deserve any of this?” it sucked. i hated that feeling but i couldn’t help it. could you blame me though? how the hell do you look at things positively through all of those events. how can you stay smiling when someone leaves you, or when you find out your career is on the line because the air force thinks you’re a weak person and they have no use for you. it’s tough. i’ll have to say if it wasn’t for my friends i wouldn’t be able to get through any of this though. thank you all. though i just completely shut myself from a lot of you, i do appreciate everything you’ve all done for me. you can believe it or not that’s your choice. i did that because i felt the need to rebuild myself on my own. i could’ve told people that but to me it would’ve just been better to just do it without any outside point of view. i needed to clear my head and let everything everyone has told me sink in, and i figured it would be best to do it alone. it worked. i feel new. i feel a lot stronger and have a better outlook on everything. i’m finally happy too and it feels AMAZING. i haven’t been happy in a while and i missed it. i wish i was able to see myself the past months so i can give myself a huge punch on the face for being a bitchass, hahahaha. thank you friends for helping me get through it. i owe you guys. but yeah i guess i’m back and better than ever.

the end.

Albert: You know, honestly, i never knew i could feel like this. You know? i swear i’m going out of my mind. It’s like i want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I see a cab and i just wanna dive in fron of it because then I’ll stop thinking about her.

Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert: That’s just it. I don’t want to. I mean, I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way i can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who i have to be.

- Hitch

i never thought i’d actually love someone this much. i never thought i’d join the military not just for my family but for one girl also. even though we’re not together anymore i still want to go the extra mile for her. even though she doesn’t love me anymore i still want to give her the world. i just can’t let her go… no matter how much i try i just can’t let go of this string of hope, no matter how much i hurt inside i just can’t do it. it sucks but i just can’t. all i’ve done is think of her, i try not to but i can’t. i got excited to come back because i’ll be able to see her once again. even though it’s painful to see that the love of my life is so close to me yet so far, i was still happy i was able to see her once again. at times i feel like coming back was a huge mistake, i thought i’d be happy to be back but honestly i’m not. i can barely eat, i can’t enjoy myself here as much as i want to, yeah i’m happy to see eveyrone again but the heartache’s still there and i’m pretty sure it’ll never leave… i want to disappear. i wish i was smarter about everything, i wish i was able to change in a blink of an eye, i wish i treated her better then she wouldn’t have left me. now i’m probably slowly fading away from her and i can’t do anything about it except accept it. i lover her, to me she’ll always be the love of my life even if i’ve already been thrown in the sidelines and have been replaced by someone else. i’ll always be here for her, i’ll always take care of her whenever i can, i’ll always protect her, i’ll always pray for her and i’ll definitely always love her.

i’ll always cherish every moment we spent togther. every second of it. to me you’ll always be the love of my life, i’ll be here for you no matter what and you know that. you’ll never be replaced in my heart.thank you for everything you’ve done for me, for always being there for me whenever i needed you, for loving me. i just hope that one day you’ll take me back again and i can show you i’ve changed and that i can be better than any guy out there because i know i can.  

i love her.

it sucks things have to be this way but this isn’t just for me this is for both of us. it’s early to say such things but it’s true. i’m doing this for me for her and to prove her parents and shit that i got their daughter covered and shit! lol. she’s made a huge impact in my life to the point where i wanted to change. she took all my shit crap shit shitty crappy shits and more crap and shits on crapped shit and i have a lot of that. yeah we argued and stuff but what couple doesn’t? for a couple to get stronger you need to fight sometime if you don’t i just call that bullshit. lol but anyways we’ve even got to some points where we almost broke up but we’re strong, feeling’s strong, shit’s strong, everything’s strong. lol she’s done so much for me like go against her parents to be with me, sacrifice her school time to be with me, make time to be with me even though she has a hectic schedule and i appreciate everything she’s done. she’s just i ono i can’t even put it into words coz there are too many words out there to use. she knows how to read me also, not gonna lie that’s pretty hard. lol she knows how to make me happy make me mad sad happy. yess all of them count. she would buy stuff for me even though she doesn’t have a job. FEED ME!!! most important part. lol i’m going to miss everything about her, the way she would hit me, get mad at me, give me attitude, all of those good stuff. lol but foreal though EVERYTHING. we’ve went through so much together, endured so much shit and it’s only making us stronger. i don’t want to leave her but this is just something i have to do in the end it’ll be good for us. it’ll be really good for us. i love love love her and she’s the motivation i need to get through this. it’s going to be hard but i believe in her strength. she’s got this.

friends. family. they’re all important to me.

i’m gonna miss everyone. a lot. i’ve had friends before i moved to jersey obviously but this group of mine, this group of 20+ friends, lol, will always be important to me. i’ve seen this group expand to this size from the beginning to now and it’s amazing. guys we’ve been through soo much dramas bullshits shits dramas craps, all of those things but we’re still together. i’ve learned so much from all of you and i hope you guys have learned a lot from me. thank you guys also for always being there for me when i’m at my lowest even when i don’t really go to any of you or just freely open up, i really really really appreciate it. i love you all. i’ve always felt like it was my responsibility to look out for all of you and i just want to say even though i’m far i still will, mad corns but mad truths. lol i hope you guys don’t become strangers to each other, let’s try to keep this group of ours alive coz this shit’s real hahaha. you guys are the people i can truly call my friends.

I HATE ALL OF YOU FUCKERS!!!… you guys make leaving hard…

DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME!!!

P.S. for all those turning 21 when i’m gone take a shot for me!!! i’ll make it up to you guys when i come back!!!

P.S. x 2 for those that i saw recently sorry i couldn’t say much to you guys.  i was too busy trying not to shed a tear and you motherfuckers made that shit difficult as hell!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!! WE’LL SEE EACH OTHER SOON!!!

i think gerwin is gay. just saying.

by gian.

p.s. alice is next to me and she agrees.